Elusive Peace

Segment 1: No Peace with Oppression.

Our guest on this edition of The Doug Noll Show is Israeli peace activist and author, Miko Peled. In September 1997 Miko’s niece was killed by a horrific suicide attack in Jerusalem. When Miko’s sister was interviewed by the press, her response of non-retaliation and compassion deeply affected Miko, which pushed him to study conflict resolution and become a peace activist. He believes there cannot be peace in Israel as long as there is oppression. Until Israelis have rights to water and land and travel and other freedoms, peace is not possible. Miko’s book is titled The General’s Son: Journey of an Israeli in Palestine and his website is http://mikopeled.com/.>

Miko’s book, The General’s Son, came out in May 2012 and has gotten great reviews. His family is supportive and is all involved in peacemaking. There is still a lot of activism to be done, both in speaking to groups in the United States and being on the ground in Palestine. For more information, please visit Miko’s website at http://mikopeled.com/.>

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After a year of development, I have finally launched my new on-line course, Negotiation Mastery for the Legal Pro. This course, designed primarily for young lawyers, but suitable for anyone wanting to learn the subtleties and nuances of distributive negotiation, is 9 hours long. It consists of an e-Book 45 video lectures, and downloadable templates and files. For California attorneys, it is MCLE-approved for 9 hours, including 2 hours of ethics and 1 hour of elimination of bias.

I built this course because, as a mediator and peacemaker, I saw a need for stronger negotiation skills. The mind-set of the negotiator is very different from the mind-set of a trial lawyer. Shifting from from one mode to the other is difficult for most attorneys. The need for comprehensive training, with the convenience of the Internet, led me to create the course.

I answer the age-old question of, How do I balance my need to get the most out of this negotiation with the need to cooperate to get a deal? If I am too competitive, I will blow the negotiation. But, if I am too cooperative, I might give up too much, or worse, be exploited.

Negotiation is a strategic communication designed to settle disputes and make deals. Zealous adovcacy won’t work very well in this environment because there are no rules, no referees, and no boundaries constraining the negotiators. If lawyers take off on the hard-core trial lawyer approach, they might find themselves out of a good deal because they have been overly-competitive.

I shatter the myth that the anchoring effect dictates an unreasonably high or low opening move. Total rubbish, and I explain why.

Negotiation is not an exercise in rationality. It is deeply influenced by our emotional states moment to moment. Careful preparation, however, can reduce the stress, anxiety, and frustration of any negotiation. Calm execution will almost always lead to superior outcomes.

So, if you want to know how a young lawyer settled his first big case for $5.5 million using these skills, check out Negotiation Mastery for the Legal Pro.

Segment 1: We Always Have Choices.

Our guest on this edition of The Doug Noll show is David Emerald Womeldorff. David is a consultant, executive coach, speaker and author of The Power of TED, a fable on personal leadership that offers an affective antidote for Karpman’s Drama Triangle. TED (The Empowerment Dynamic) is a way of thinking and interacting with others. When we apply the principals of TED, we realize that we have choices. Sometimes they are limited, but we always have choices — we can choose the outcomes we want in our lives and how we respond to life’s circumstances. David’s passion is helping people live their lives as consciously and collaboratively as possible. To find out more about David and his work, please visit http://www.bainbridgeleadership.com/davidwomeldorff.html and http://powerofted.com/.

Segment 2: The Drama Triangle.

The Drama Triangle is interplay between victim, persecutor, and rescuer. We are a victim anytime we feel powerless. In order to be a victim, one must have a persecutor. A persecutor can be a human or a natural disaster or a medical condition, etc. A rescuer is someone/thing that “fixes” the victim or tries to protect the victim from the persecutor. The rescuer does not have to be a person; it can be an addiction or anything that temporarily numbs the pain. There is a trap to being in the rescuer role: over time the rescuer ends up being seen by the victim as the new persecutor. Eventually the victim realizes that they are being kept powerless by the rescuer.

The Drama Triangle is routed in a mindset that is anxiety-based and reactive in nature. This very mindset has helped us survive as a species. The reactivity is deeply wired and has been passed down as a survival mechanism. David says to fix the Drama Triangle we need to shift from a victim orientation to a creator orientation. When we utilize a creator orientation, the focus is on the outcomes we want to create and accomplish, instead of what we DON’T want to happen.

Segment 3: The Antidotes.

This is life-long work that takes patience and baby steps. We need to remember that we do have choices and we can choose a resourceful path. The “moment of choice” is the key point. TED helps us realize that:

Creator is the antidote to victim

Challenger is the antidote to persecutor

Coach is the antidote to rescuer

Segment 4: Non-Attachment, not Detachment.

One of the greatest challenges that you can have in TED is playing the role of challenger and coach at the same time. The secret is to cultivate a measure of non-attachment (different than detachment). The coach supports by asking questions, while the challenger supports by making declarative statements. It is requires a high level of self-awareness to play these roles and is a life-long practice. Baby steps!

To hear the entire interview:

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Segment 1: A Different Paradigm.

Marty Price, J.D., our guest on this edition of The Doug Noll Show, is a social worker turned lawyer turned mediator. He is internationally recognized as a leader in Restorative Justice and peacemaking. Professor Price will soon be returning to India to teach Restorative Justice at a top-ranked law school in India (National Academy of Legal Studies and Research) and on this show we will be talking to him about his upcoming trip to India and Restorative Justice. His website is www.vorp.com.

Marty started out as a juvenile court social worker, but felt he wasn’t making a big enough difference in the lives of troubled kids and their families. In order to change the system he needed to get a law degree and go to court, but he soon discovered he was much better suited for peacemaking than for being a lawyer warrior. He began his peacemaking journey by volunteering at local dispute resolution centers as a mediator, and then moved to Restorative Justice, which he calls “a different paradigm for understanding crime and justice, and responding to crime with a different sort of justice.” Restorative Justice recognizes that crime is about hurting people: the direct victims, the indirect victims, and the community at large. Crime is about harm. Restorative Justice looks at who was harmed and who has an obligation to make it right.

Segment 2: Victim-Offender Mediation.

Victim-Offender Mediation is one form of Restorative Justice. It brings together victims and offenders, voluntarily, if and when they are ready. This work has the potential to transform lives. When people can’t move on, they lose their lives to their crime. Offenders often think of their victims as nameless and faceless. However, through Victim–Offender Mediation, the offender is able to take real, meaningful responsibility for what they have done, and assume an obligation voluntarily. Restorative Justice is not soft on crime; it’s much more difficult to face one’s victim than to face a judge.

Segment 3: India’s Criminal Justice System.

India’s criminal justice system, simply put, is broken. India has an incredible backlog of criminal cases. People wait 10-20 years in jail before they get a trial. This mainly happens to the poor, who cannot afford bail or a lawyer. Because of this lack of justice, the offenders and their families are suffering, and the victims’ families are suffering as well. Marty believes Restorative Justice programs can help. At each of the law schools at which Marty taught, students are carrying on Restorative Justice programs they’ve created. Marty planted the seeds; his students are growing the movement.

Segment 4: Exchanging Knowledge and Building Goodwill.

The Fulbright Commission sends students and professors overseas to teach and learn. It’s all about exchanging knowledge and building goodwill and peace between nations. Marty is going back to India in 2013, to the National Academy of Legal Studies and Research, where the vice-chancellor is an advocate for Restorative Justice. He asked Marty to come and teach for a semester, during which Professor Price will have an opportunity to pursue his own goals: to arrange internships for students to do Restorative Justice work. He is raising money to be able to accomplish this. If you would like to support Marty Price and this transformative work, please visit his website at www.vorp.com to find out more information and to make a donation.

To listen to the entire interview:

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In discussing the fiscal cliff compromise Donald Trump is reported to have tweeted today that while he is a Republican, Republicans may be the worst negotiators in the world. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/01/donald-trump-republicans_n_2392960.html

He got that half right. Polarized political decision making is the best example of poor negotiating skills–that is shared by both party lines. Negotiating takes highly skilled individuals ready and willing to listen, to work together, and to create goals that serve the highest good for all involved. After a 22 year career as a trial lawyer I learned that successful outcomes come from skilled negotiators.

Many decisions made in the political realm are motivated by special interestes, personal agendas, and political dogmas. These ulterior motives do not serve their constituents well.

As a personal mission, I have created a master negotiation course Negotiation Mastery for the Legal Pro for lawyers to help teach lawyers how to negotiate well for the purpose of saving resources and bringing consensus in a timely fashion.

Segment 1: Perceptions of Reality.

Our guest on this edition of The Doug Noll Show is Roger Frame, President of Frameworks 4 Learning. Roger is an expert on resolving interpersonal conflict, defusing power struggles and preventing bullying. His book is called Don’t Carve the Turkey with a Chainsaw: Resolving Family Conflict. He comes from the psychotherapy perspective and thinks the single biggest cause of human conflict is differences of perspective. People view conflict as based on reality, when in fact it’s based on our perceptions of reality. Conflict is not something you can completely avoid (nor should we try to avoid it, as it usually brings people closer together once it is resolved). If we don’t have resistance, we cannot grow as human beings. The whole point of conflict is to alert us to the fact that there are things to which we need to pay attention.

Segment 2: Adopt a Curious Attitude.

In terms of holiday conflict, when relatives get together there are often repeated patterns that come up every year. It’s difficult for people to recognize these patterns, and the person who brings up the issue usually (unconsciously) has a vested interest in keeping it alive. So why would a reasonable, rational intelligent person do this? Adults play out the conflicts of their childhood and the dynamic stays the same. When you encounter an issue with a family member, ask the question, “I’m curious. What makes you want to keep bringing this up?” Having the presence of mind to ask a question like this takes practice and self-control. The most difficult thing is to stay present with yourself so that when someone pushes your buttons you can respond with compassion and clarity, even when you are angry. Instead of attacking back and reacting with anger, adopt a curious attitude.

Segment 3: Ignore the Words and Focus on the Emotion.

Listening is a powerful skill that needs to be taught. People don’t know how to listen or ask effective questions. Roger thinks we should ignore the words and focus on emotions. Repeat back the emotional experience of the person you’re speaking with at that moment. In doing that, you touch something deep and the brain starts to calm. In the brain, the emotional content goes to one neuropathway and the cognitive content goes to another neuropathway. When you recognize the emotion in a situation – and mirror it back – the emotional centers of the brain deescalate.

Segment 4: In Roger’s book he references many fly fishing analogies for conflict resolution. For example, kids bait their parents and know exactly what lure their parents will bite. As water warms up in a river, fish bite on different insects. Also, there are certain times of day when mom (or dad) is tired and kids know they can ask for and get what they want. Timing is everything. If you draw your fly rod back and start the forward movement too quickly, the fly will snap off. It’s the same with communication: if you interrupt someone too quickly, the conversation will snap off. Lastly, when casting in fly fishing, you must move backward before you go forward. When you are involved in conflict resolution, if you can pause and go backward a bit, it opens up the space to move forward. It creates a safe space for someone to be heard.

To listen to the entire interview:

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Segment 1: How to Quiet the Negative Voices.

On this edition of The Doug Noll Show we speak with Tom Gagliano. Tom is a successful entrepreneur, life coach, author and public speaker. His website is http://www.thomasgagliano.com/ and his latest book is called The Problem Was Me. Tom grew up in a very volatile, unsafe environment due to an abusive alcoholic father, and although he has been very successful in business he found that he unknowingly continued to sabotage his personal relationships.

Segment 2: Emotional Trauma is the Norm.

Very few people actually achieve true happiness. Why not? Tom thinks that when you feel whole inside, when you feel like you are “enough,” there is no void you need to fill with other people’s accolades. It’s all about inner fulfillment. Emotional trauma in childhood is the norm, not the exception. The most important thing a family can do for their children is to create a safe environment. If a child feels safe at home, he will grow up feeling safe in the world. If a child grows up with explosions – physical or emotional – in the home, and if the version of intimacy they receive is one that is fearful or painful, they will carry that version of intimacy into their adult life and sabotage their relationships.

As parents we naturally want to guide our children. However, occasionally we need to relinquish the need to be right, and instead choose closeness. Our children really listen to us when we really listen to them. Our kids just want to be heard.

There are subtle signs of self-destructive or addictive behavior: when people have abnormal anger, i.e. when the degree of anger doesn’t fit the situation, they need to address the deeper issues. It’s difficult for people to talk about their feelings; they either shut down or they react with anger. To be empathic you need to observe and understand other people’s feelings, but in order to do that you need to first understand your OWN feelings.

Segment 3: Bullying and What to Do About It.

If you are married to someone with deep emotional trauma, there are a few things to do to help. When someone is damaged they are very sensitive. Be compassionate. Say things with love. Use healthy boundaries and don’t accept unacceptable behavior. Be gentle. Let them talk. Listen. Eventually you will get under their fears and under their pain and trust will build.

Tom believes that the ubiquitous computer has made a difference in our kids. They have a destructive “entitlement” view of the world. Additionally, working mothers and fathers may feel guilty so they over-indulge their kids. If the child is not getting (emotionally) what they need from their parents, the child ends up making some victim “pay” for it. Bullies are made, not born. So what can a parent do if they are told their kid is a bully? Talk to the principal and the teacher. There needs to be a coalition. Talk to the child. The kid doesn’t feel safe enough at home to talk about what’s going on at school. If they’re not getting their emotional needs met at home, they’re either going to act OUT in anger as a bully or they’re going to act IN their anger and be a target and a victim for bullies. It’s one or the other.

Segment 4: Choose Closeness Instead.

If you have a kid who is a bully, Tom recommends this approach: listen, share, and reveal yourself. Become vulnerable. Give up the right to be right and choose closeness instead. Let compassion guide what you say and do. Slow down and become more non-reactive. If you have a kid who is the target of bullies, Tom recommends this approach: talk to people you can trust and focus on what’s best for your child instead of reacting with anger. Listen to your child. Protect her. Show her that she is valuable and worth protecting. This takes a lot of presence, self-awareness and patience.

To listen to the entire interview:

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Segment 1 – Our guest on this edition of The Doug Noll Show is Brian McLaren: author, speaker, activist and public theologian. His latest book is titled Why Did Jesus, Moses, the Buddha, and Mohammed Cross the Road? (Christian Identity in a Multi-Faith World). Brian’s website is http://www.brianmclaren.net/.

Brian started his career as college English professor and ended up being part of a small congregation, of which he later became the pastor. He recently left pastoral hood in order to devote more time to writing and speaking. Brian grew up as a conservative evangelical, where evolution was not something you believed and the bible was interpreted literally.

A lot of folks frame the world today in broad sweeping terms, as in “it’s a Muslim world against the Christian world.” Why is it that people are so quick to deduce the difficult conflicts in our world down to religious identity? According to our guest, one of the ways we feel safe is by finding a tribe or community where we think we belong. We often define “us” by having opposition toward “them.” We tell stories about how “they” oppressed us, which gives us the feeling of bonding with our tribe.

Segment 2 – Let’s say Jesus, Buddha and Mohammed met up in a bar…what do you think they would talk about? Brian believes they would talk about the religions that have been formed in the world today, and they might talk with great sadness and pain about the things that are being done in their name. The lesson to “love one another” and “love your enemies” is the toughest teaching to follow. It is difficult to accept the feeling of love instead of the biological feeling of hatred for an enemy who is threatening. Security trumps peace. We have forms of religions that in some ways are trying to protect the status quo for the social and political elite, and then we have other forms of religions that are trying to transform the status quo. The latter’s focus is on the people at the bottom of the pyramid. Essentially we have religions of control and religions of transformation. Interestingly, each one sees themselves as the maintainer of peace.

Segment 3 – We consistently do two things already: 1) We either know how to have a strong religious identity and be hostile to people with other religious identities, or 2) We have the opposite approach, which is to have a weak or benign identity (we think the only way to become less hostile is to become less Christian). Brian thinks we need a better alternative to these two approaches. He believes the more committed to Christianity we are, the more dedicated we need to be to peacemaking and to learning the skills of interacting with people of different religious beliefs. Unfortunately, when a person who is a member of “us” advocates that we show compassion and understanding and tries to humanize “them,” that person is often seen as a traitor. In many ways it’s the story of Jesus.

Segment 4 – So how can we rethink the concept of Eucharist and instead of having it be a sacrificial, violent exercise, have it be a peace-loving, engaged spiritual practice? Brian tells us that Jesus envisioned a form of religion where (animal) sacrifice was not part of the ritual. To find out more, listen to the complete interview:

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